Character Encounters

I've said it before, but I'll say it again: I love traveling. You meet and see all kinds of crazy people. Last weekend I was traveling to a conference and met several such characters. I think I will dedicate the next few posts to introducing you to them.

I think we will begin with my friend from my 3 hour flight. We'll call him "the Fonz." He sat next to me in the window seat. He was around 60 years old, but he still had dark curly hair and a dark mustache. He had on gold rimmed glasses, a gold watch and a gold chain necklace, as well as a muscle shirt covered by a Hawaiian print shirt and a brown suede jacket.

Like most of the people on the flight - except for me, of course - Fonz was returning home from a week long cruise. But not just any cruise, he went on a Rockin' 50's Cruise. Apparently they only play music from the 50's and you just dance your life away. The Fonz loved it, except he now had a song stuck in his head and he couldn't get it out. I know this not only because he told me, but also because he sang it for a good part of our time together and it was then stuck in my head. "There she was just a walkin' down the street, singing do a diddy diddy dum diddy do..."

Now, in order for you to fully understand my interactions with the Fonz, you must first know that I had gotten about 4 hours of sleep the last night of the conference and I was not in my usual conversing mood. So, I plopped down in the chair next to the Fonz and he looks at me and says, "I'm sorry if I snore, I'm so tired and I plan on sleeping the whole flight. I'm exhausted and slightly hungover. Oh and I have to keep these shades closed because I'm extremely photosensitive." Fine by me. I had headphones and planned on zoning out as soon as the plane took off. I was, however, a little confused as to how his photo sensitivity affected his time on the CRUISE SHIP, but whatever....

The wheels leave the runway and I reach for my headphones so I can watch a movie on my personal little screen built into the seat in front of me - side note: Continental Airlines is my new favorite. They have actual food and On Demand video, meaning you can start and stop any movie whenever you want. And they actually had a really great selection. - Anyways, I started watching my movie and saw that the Fonz was playing with his screen too. The only thing is, he didn't have headphones, and he wasn't going to drop a whole dollar on the ones they sell on the plane, so he was limited to the games. Turns out the Fonz is very passionate about inflight electronic games. I felt so sorry for the person in the seat in front of him because he was literally punching the "touchscreen" on the back of their headrest. He was doing very well at checkers. I know this not because I was watching his screen, but because he did a fist pump after each good move he made. No joke. He would do the fist pump and then say "yes!" and look at me. I, of course, smiled the first few times but then quickly learned that it would be to my benefit to pretend that I didn't notice.

After he tired of checkers, he gave bowling a try. Bad idea. He couldn't figure out how it worked, and he wasn't happy about it. His frequent fist pumps turned into exasperated gestures. At one point he threw his hands in the air and over the back of the chair and grabbed onto his headrest and started shaking it. The only problem with that - aside from the fact that he was behaving like a two year old - is that he messed up the screen of the person behind him. That poor soul actually had to tap him and ask him to move his arms. All for a bad game of bowling...

Several games later, the Fonz got bored with his little screen. I thought maybe he would make good on his talk of snoring, but I'm not that lucky. Instead of sleeping, he took a vested interest in what was playing on my screen. Awkward. First off, there's a glare coming from the window behind Fonz, so he has to lean toward me to watch MY movie, without sound, and totally violated what little personal space I was entitled to in seat 26B. Secondly, he would look at the screen and then look me expecting some kind of reaction to what was happening in the movie. So so awkward.

Needless to say, I breathed a sigh of relief when my time with the Fonz was over. What planet do these people come from?

Family Encounters

It's the holiday season. And along with my annual servings of turkey, mashed potatoes, ornaments, gifts and general Christmas merriment, it's also time for a heaping dose of.... family.

There's nothing quite like Christmastime in my family. I'm sure we're pretty much like most other families who spend holidays together. That is, of course, assuming that most families can relate to the scene in "While You Were Sleeping" where the whole family is gathered around the table and each person is engaging in their own off the wall conversation. One of my favorite pastimes is to just sit back and listen to how many different conversations can go on at once. I think the record was 9, which might not seem like a lot, but you have to keep in mind there were only 7 people at the table. We might be small in number, but we have more than our fair share of quirks. That's not to say I don't bring my own truck load of idiosyncrasies to the table. God knows I have to if I want to fit in - not to mention survive.


Anyways, all that to say, there's never a dull moment during the holidays with the fam, but that's not good enough for us. No. We can't just let it go and have everyone go on with their crazy little lives. Instead, we force ourselves to do the one thing that especially tends to accentuate our insanity: we play cards. Not Hearts or Spades, or even Bullshit - no, we play a game called Shanghai. Heard of it? Didn't think so. I think they outlawed it in most cities because of its tendency to rip families apart. It's not that it's a complicated game with a massive amount strategy involved - it's far from that - it's just that when we play cards, we pick each other apart. We beg shamelessly for cards that we need to complete our hand. We bring up past grievances and cast "you owe me" glares across the table. (I'll admit it; I often play the "perfect daughter" card in order to get what I want.) We steal cards from people simply for the sake of depriving them of something they need. "Cards is cards," we say, and then five seconds later we beg like 3rd graders for something we want. It's pathetic. It's family.

The best part is, we often invite guests to join us in our friendly card games. If you play cards with us, you're in for good. It is then, and only then that you see our true colors. We get vicious. There's often yelling involved, and there's always cheating. Just this last weekend, I was home for Thanksgiving, and of course we played cards several times. One night, my Sitti (that would be a word for "grandma" in Arabic), who is one of the most gracious and kind people I have ever met, tried to cite a rule that had never been mentioned in over 20 years worth of card games. "It's a rule!" she exclaimed. "What? We've never even heard of that!" everyone else shouted. And the argument went on and on and on. All I know is, it's a good thing my dad enjoys playing bartender, because you need a drink or two to make it through a game of Shanghai. (In case you are wondering, I looked up the definition for the word "shanghai," here's what I found: (verb) "to enroll or obtain (a sailor) for the crew of a ship by unscrupulous means, as by force or the use of liquor or drugs." Yep. Sounds about right.)

Oh, Shanghai. Such a wonderful holiday tradition.

Intellectual Property Encounters

Last night I attended a high school fashion/variety show - I know you are jealous. As fascinating as the actual show was, the person I went to see was only in about five minutes of the hour and a half program, so naturally I found other things to capture my attention. Luckily, I didn't have to look too far.

There was a group of girls who were sitting right in front of me enjoying the show. They were your typical high school senior bunch - laughing at inside jokes and screaming at inhuman volumes for their 75 best friends who were on stage. But one girl stood out among the rest. She knew every word to every rap song they played, as well as the dance to go along with it. However, as impressive as her lyrical prowess was, it was her commentary on the show that I found most amusing.

The students in the skits kept using popular phrases like, "that's so legit," and other teen-speak, and every time they said something like that this girl would freak out and say, "Man! They keep stealing all MY phrases!" or, "Ugh! That's my word!" Yes, ladies and gentleman, last night I met the author of half of our modern catch phrases - jealous again, aren't you?

Now, it's been a while, but during my undergrad, I took a class on Mass Comm Law and we studied all kinds of things like intellectual property and trademarks and copyrights. I might not remember very many specifics from the course, but I did get an A and I'm pretty sure that the girl from last night would have a legal nightmare if she actually tried to claim all "her phrases" in court.

On the other hand, I wonder how much all eBayers would be willing to pay for an autograph from the creator of the word "legit"?

People can be so funny sometimes...

Delayed Encounters

I don't want to brag or anything, but I have always been a fairly successful procrastinator. I can put things off for days or weeks and still have everything turn out great. I never did homework and always got good grades. Call me crazy, but doing, well, anything that wasn't studying was always more important to me when I was in school.

Yes, I'm one of those kids who skated through my academic career with little to no effort and only one B - stupid criminal justice elective... - but life has finally caught up with me. That's right, I have finally found something that destroyed my perfect procrastination record.

People (or person), listen to me carefully. You cannot, I repeat, CANNOT procrastinate when it comes to taking care of these two things: TOILET PAPER and TOOTHPASTE - especially if you don't have any roommates you can steal from. So, just don't try, ok? I promise, you'll thank me later.

Favorite Encounters

Being a logophile - that would be a lover of words - I often find myself puzzled by the words people choose to use in their day to day conversation. I'm not so much interested in the extent of their vocabulary, or even their grammar, I'm just intrigued by the words they use to convey their point or make their stories more interesting.

Lately, I've noticed that people take words that are supposed to be very meaningful, and they beat the meaning out of them by kicking them around like an old pair of tennis shoes that you don't have to untie to put on or take off.

For example: let's consider the word, "favorite." If used correctly, we should all only have one favorite thing. Of course, we are also entitled to a favorite movie, a favorite food, wine, song, etc. But really, only one favorite "thing." In the last week, I have had several people tell me something is their "favorite thing." One person even claimed four different favorite things in the span of two hours.

Favorite doesn't really mean favorite any more. Nowadays it's just an adjective used to describe any number of things a person happens to enjoy. It has lost its emphasis, and it makes me sad.

One man said his favorite thing was to rearrange furniture. While I don't doubt his odd, but sincere love for moving heavy pieces of furniture, I somehow doubt it is actually the one thing he loves to do in this world more than anything else. As much as I try to separate my facial expressions from the ponderings of my inner monologue, I highly doubt I was able to keep a straight face while he was talking to me. I just kept thinking to myself, "Really? THAT'S your favorite thing in the world? I mean, if you had a bumper sticker on your car, would it say 'I'd rather be moving furniture'?"

Don't get me wrong, people are entitled to love whatever activity they want to - I don't have to agree or even understand - but please, people, be stingy with your favorites.

Audial Encounters

I've never had the best hearing. I mean, I can usually hear you if you're standing next to me and talking and my selective hearing works great. But chances are, if you ask me, "did you hear that?" I will do one of two things: 1. say no, look at you like you are a little loony and start a new conversation. or 2. say yes and change the subject before you have time to start a discussion about what "we" just heard. However, I have found that my hearing ability is drastically improved in certain environments and scenarios. One of which, unfortunately, is the theater. I say unfortunately because my hearing isn't just improved in terms of the actual show, it also starts to pick up any and all distracting sounds around me.

Allow me to provide two examples:
1. A few weeks ago, some friends and I attended a play presented by Shakespeare in the Park. It was a lovely evening. The show was hilarious. Lord Benedick was more than easy on the eyes. But one man ruined the entire show. He was sitting in the center section laughing hysterically through the whole play. Now before you go thinking I'm a kill joy and I can't let other people laugh, let me explain. You see, his laugh wasn't normal, or even loud. No, he laughed like an oxygen machine. You know those portable oxygen tanks that Sittis and Jiddis (that would be grandmas and grandpas) carry around? The ones that make a sound every five seconds that sounds like a brief shot from an air compressor? He sounded like that. The whole time. He didn't stop. He just kept making that horrid hissing sound and ruined every laugh line in the play. It drove me out of my mind.

2. Then, just last weekend, I attended a movie theater to see a movie. The lights were down, the movie was playing, and what do I hear? No, not talking, or a cell phone. Snoring. I heard snoring. One hour into a two and a half hour show, this man started snoring. It was horrendous. And the thing is, the people with him didn't make him stop. I mean, if you went to a movie and someone in your group started snoring really loud, wouldn't you nudge them or shake them or throw your $12 drink on them to wake them up? It was pathetic.

Considering the things I endure when my hearing is at peak performance, I think I much prefer partial deafness.

Endearing Encounters

Question: Do you ever meet someone and instantly you both feel like you've known the other for years? Me too. It's strange and inexplicable, but I'm pretty glad it happens.

Second question: Do you ever meet someone and THEY instantly feel like they have known YOU for years while you are still at the "I just me you" phase? ME TOO. It's strange and uncomfortable, and I get weirded out when it happens.

I find that most people express their premature comfort level through various pet names and compliments in conversation. Like the lady at the Braum's drive-thru window the other night. I placed my order and she called me "Darling" after she told me to pull around to the window. THEN, when she gave me my ice cream, she called me "sweetheart." I wouldn't have been too weirded out if she was some sweet older lady, but there's no way this lady was much more than 40. It was strange and slightly awkward.

But our waitress at lunch today takes the awkward cake.

I went to have lunch at a sushi place with two friends. I arrived last, and when I sat down my friend informed me that our waitress would be very happy to see me and that she was very excited about serving us our lunch. Not knowing what to expect, I chuckled and waited for her to come by. Four seconds later - she popped by and said, "Oh, our third has arrived! I'm so glad you're here. What can I get you to drink, darling?" At this point I am mildly entertained and just laugh and continue with conversation.

She came back and said, "are my girlies ready to order?" Not only were we not really her girlies, but we were not ready to order. So she cracked some joke and did this insanely ridiculous laugh where she tilted her head back and slightly to the side while shrugging her shoulders and showing too much teeth. It was painful. Really painful. But she was our best friend. She just knew it. She was so certain, that on top of countless other insanely uncomfortable pet names, she at one point called my friend "Shnookems." Really. She said Shnookems. To my friend. Whom she had never met or seen. I wanted to die laughing, but at the same time a part of me wanted to run away from the scary lady as fast as my legs could carry me.

On the plus side, my friend has a new nickname. She doesn't know it yet, but she will soon learn I have every intention of calling her Shnookems for the next few weeks.